A modest little cough covered by a modest little handkerchief clutched by a modest little hand is not a terribly unpleasant thing when performed by a discrete and fairly remote individual who is aware of the sensitivities or her immediate viewers. This can be carried out with a measure of subtlety, restraint and ingenuity without bringing uneasiness and discomfort to her viewers. Not all coughers are so modest. There are those among us for whom such delicacy, warmth and compassion are not ready virtues. Unless such a person is your boss, spouse or someone to whom you are in debt or from whom you are soliciting a favor, try to avoid him. If you must be in the company of a cougher, try to make it one whose cough is modest and meager.

The immodest coughers often make unwelcome companions. Such folks seem to have highly sensitive, sturdy lungs that need frequent servicing but manage to survive the beating they take from their owner who treats them with reckless abandon and hearty distain. I don’t want to appear gross but these lungs sometimes become host to uninvited intruders whose intent is to clog the inner workings of their hosts with repulsive fluids. The lung-owner is left with the task of trying to clear these congested body parts in the most immediate and effective manner. Now, many body organs have openings at their bottoms, which allow any unwanted substances to flow, with the help of gravity, from them. The lungs are not so favored. Any foreign matter that enters the lungs must be propelled from them using the same passage through which it entered. The propellant, in this case, is the coughing muscle. This muscle is a mighty little chap who performs his service with passion and gusto, which cause a mighty turbulence in the lungs resulting in thunderous eruptions.

Hacking and wheezing is similar to coughing but requires less physical energy. It is often identified as a wimpy form of coughing. Although it is more energy-efficient than its relative, it can be more time-consuming since is tends to last longer. Wheezers are often looked down on by their observers, although these observers may, on occasion, be wheezers themselves. Often wheezing is not a voluntary activity but is brought on by an uncontrollable urge that nature, in its skewed and twisted wisdom, has imparted to us. Even so, wheezers exercise their skills with conviction and dispatch, ignoring the disapproving onlookers. Hackers, on the other hand, are more voluntary annoyers who practice their habits with flagrant disdain for the impacted public. It turns out that hacking and wheezing are spectacularly useless procedures for throat and lung clearing. They are, however, extremely effective in exhausting the patience of bystanders and onlookers.

Sneezing is the epitome of this entire class of throat clearing gestures. While the origin of a sneeze is usually in the nose rather than the lungs, it nonetheless has a remarkable cleansing effect on these organs as well as a marvelous opportunity to supply them with a generous measure of highly beneficial exercise, although why the lungs need additional exercise is beyond my ability to explain. They begin working at the moment of birth and continue working all day, every day while you are sitting, standing, working, brushing your teeth, lying down, loafing, snoring, or just gazing into a stranger’s beautiful eyes. In truth, our lungs are well exercised and should be ready for immediate services at any time.

There are those who offer sneezing as a public service to the listening public. Endorsing a theory that the public is in great need of raucous stimulation, they have developed their sneezes into a polished art by producing a thunderous blast that causes the room in which the blast occurs to undergo earthshaking tremors accompanied by an earsplitting clamor that leaves those within earshot agape with wonder and envy. Such a sneeze is an elegant product offered by accomplished sneezers who have had years enduring tedious practice and endless repetitions, sharpening their skills with intensity and patience. Their performance should be accompanied by adulation and applause by an appreciative and admiring audience although such response rarely happens. Such sneezers, however, rarely receive much enthusiastic reception and must display their talents without deserved recognition. Even the most eloquent sneeze, however, usually does little to clear the lungs. Rather it tends to flush the nostrils and nasal passages, at which it excels, unless, of course, it ruptures delicate sinuses, blood vessels or other body parts.

It is a sad fact of life that coughing, hacking, wheezing and sneezing must often be done in public where unwilling onlookers are often nearby. In a world with about seven billion folks it is almost inevitable that onlookers will be present. Among that massive throng of onlookers, maybe one of them has a modest little handkerchief or even a modest little tissue available.