Backyards are phenomena that exist on the properties of many homes. Often they make up much of the land that is not occupied by the house itself. A new homeowner, upon taking possession of his newly acquired acreage may well gaze upon his back yard, inflate his chest to the greatest size to which its capacity will allow while a contended grin spreads across the broad expanse of his face. Little does he realize, at that instant, that the next time he looks at his yard with such contented satisfaction will be the day that he vacates his property and turns it over to its next inhabitant. The actual but unheralded purpose of back yards is to prevent their homeowners from having to endure a life of blissful affluence and idleness.

In fact, backyards are abulge with opportunities to bring grief and distress to their owners. Each such piece of property is simply a tiny sliver of our planet’s (Earth’s) surface on which its owner has the opportunity to deposit layer upon layer of his cash and a copious abundance of sweat. A backyard usually consists mostly of a very thin layer of dirt underneath of which is a mass of clay that reaches down to the center of the earth and resists any human effort to remove it. If one is lucky, the layer of dirt is fertile enough to support vegetation, in which case, we identify it by the name soil. Even the least fertile and most impotent of soils is capable of producing a lush covering of weeds and crabgrass, among the most repulsive and despised species of the vegetable kingdom. But, these are only a minute fraction of the annoyances offered by the typical backyard.

Now, as any homeowner knows, a yard must be graced with a lush, richly landscaped expanse of grassy lawn, which the owner can either install himself of hire a landscape artist to do for him. Either way, he is in for a number of crippling expenses. First, the lawn must be prepared for the tender treatment that it will eventually get. The preparation itself is not very tender and often consists of lots of digging, excavating, scratching, neutralizing, fertilizing, planting, trimming, pampering, leveling, swearing and gnashing of teeth and perhaps, even, if he can find a consenting partner, a naked rain dance under the moon. Once the preparation has been completed there is the question of seeding at further expense, depending upon the size of the lawn. Even a small lawn involves seeding and tending although this can be done by a healthy spouse if she is sufficiently motivated. Seeding often involves a covering of straw at modest expense but whose transport and distribution can be a bothersome chore best left to a costly third party.

Once the lawn has flourished it still needs careful attention. It will certainly need cutting. This is another opportunity to engage the services of a willing spouse. If she is unwilling, the services of a third party might be warmly welcomed. But the mowing isn’t all. It needs to be coaxed, cajoled and begged to produce a healthy and presentable flowering of vegetation, which it almost certainly won’t do without a monetary bribe. Any weeds or crabgrass need to be pulled out and all traces destroyed or else they will reproduce with earthy passion and cover most of the earth. A similar fate must befall loathsome fauna such as dandelions and Morning Glories, nasty invaders that will sneak into any piece of real estate of subatomic size or larger and send their roots down into the hot center of the earth and attach themselves permanently. Any effort to remove them only makes them angry and vindictive. They will get revenge!

Along with seasoned enemies from the plant kingdom, there are equally formidable marauders from the animal kingdom whose natural habitat is carefully manicured back yards. No place larger than a sub-atomic particle is immune from their ravenous invasions. These creatures may consist of migrant rodents, lurking reptiles, oozy green crawlers, aphids abulge with disgusting body fluids and, of course, hot, oppressive layers of insects with very sharp fangs, lethal stingers and nasty dispositions. The insects, because of their staggering numbers, need the most immediate and careful attention. Sometimes they are not difficult to kill, but there is a dark, impending danger. It you swat at one and fail to dispatch it, it will remember you and be out to get you. These creatures haven been known to carry deep grudges for years and even pass their grudges on to their next of kin and the generations that follow. Make sure that if you slap at them they reach their demise. Don’t let them fly away, especially if they are wounded and angry.

An element of caution is recommended in reference to those creepy, crawly little wigglers and slitherers. These creatures are technically land animals but they have at least one unpleasant characteristic. Their bodies consist of a gooey outer epidermis that contains a filling of mucus, slime, snot, ooze and phlegm. It is highly recommended that if you go walking in your back yard that you do not do so without wearing shoes. In fact it would not be a bad idea to wear gumshoes, galoshes, overshoes of any kind, newspapers or even duct tape on your feet.

In the foregoing paragraphs I have depicted the hazards, pitfalls and vices of back yards without mentioning similar unpleasantries of front yards. This was not intentional and is the result of my forgetting what I was going to tell, which is my frequent wont. If I can think of anything to add, I will do so in another essay. Keep your fingers crossed.

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