Hormones are wild little things that exist deep inside our bodies. I am not quite sure how they work or where exactly they hide but I fancy that they spend most of their time swimming around in our bloodstreams, looking for work to do and mischief to get into. They originate in certain body organs that lie deep within our persons and go about their labors of producing and distributing their products throughout our bodies. Some of the body parts that produce them are external, but, like their internal peers, are usually hidden from public view.

They govern nearly everything we do or think: our actions, feelings, moods, urges, likes and dislikes. Without these dandy little items we would be without sex or emotions or lovers or mates or offspring. It probably would simplify life considerably if we had to live without these items. If you are anything like me, however, you would rather not live life under those conditions.

Some of the hormones have very appealing features and endear themselves to their owners. For example, they account for human growth, which many people seem to think is a pretty good thing. Without growth, of course, we would all be embryos or even sub-atomic particles, which would make me, at least, and maybe a lot of other folks, very unhappy.

We all have hormones, lots of them. They do us a lot of favors, even though we don’t always appreciate them. For example, where would we be without the hormones that control our appetites? Some of us would be a skinny as a needle and could enter a room through a keyhole. Others might be the size of Moby Dick; hunted by a deranged, peg-legged seafarer, armed with a harpoon and determined to do them harm.

And, of course, there are those hormones that invade a teenager’s person and set him or her on a life altering course. They control the development and use of certain intimate body parts and supply their owner with a rich supply of impure thoughts and urges and lead eventually to such things as marriage, children and other adult problems. It is one of the most important jobs of these hormones to save humankind from final and ignoble extinction. This has been done throughout the history of our species with great efficacy.

In addition to the impulses and passions, hormones also cause deep mood changes: acne, facial and other body hair growth, voice change, muscle development, battery changes, mental development (and deterioration) plus a great many other things that I can’t think of at the moment. (I was only kidding about the battery changes).

Much of our lives are spent in trying to control the effects that hormones have on us. The methods of control make up a thing we call civilization. It does this through laws, rules, education, customs and taboos, punishments and social pressure. It has been put in place to try to protect society’s weakest members from the ravages of its strongest. While we may resent some of the restrictions it puts on us, we are usually most thankful for those same restrictions imposed on others. In the long run it was a great idea.

At some point in our lives the hormonal juices that have kept us working and useful begin to wear out and lose their effectiveness. We call this condition aging and, if we live long enough, must suffer its indignities and outrages. Naturally, some folks are not happy with this. But, like so many other unpleasantries in our lives, there are corporations, engineers and professionals who are quick to step in and administer to these insufficiencies. The production and marketing of hormones, both from living and artificial sources has become a major industry that makes its purveyors both ridiculously jovial and obscenely wealthy. I think they are jovial, I know would be if I had their wealth. Their application to living humans, however, is not always as beneficial as its users would like or its hawkers claim. The medical profession has, in many instances, cautioned against its wanton use and warned that it may produce unwanted results like serious death or other infirmities, I personally have suggested to members of my family, friends, neighbors (but not my enemies) that they restrict their use of such substances and depend rather on other life-extending measures. I hope they listen.

732 words