Humans can be a very energetic species. I often look with envy on some of my fellows who can go on and on without seeming to tire and do so with boundless enthusiasm. Unfortunately I am not so favorably endowed. I tire rather quickly. And so, I suppose, does everyone although perhaps not so quickly as I. As my stamina fades so also does my spirit and enthusiasm. Under such circumstances I have been known to yawn. This is not usually a deliberate reaction nor is it a mostly silent comment on the quality of the dialog of my immediate companions. Rather it is tropism sparked by my ever-waning vitality.

Yawning, of course, does nothing to restore energy; rather it actually saps ones modest supply of energy. It takes effort on the part of the yawner to produce this service and leaves him even more exhausted. This distinctly doesn’t seem fair to me. I think nature should be more equitable to those on whom it has given the capacity and the urge to perform this act. A yawn begins in the lowest part of the face and expands dramatically to occupy nearly all of the yawner’s face, leaving the yawner’s mouth a vast gaping canyon in its midst. It is not a pleasant sight to its onlookers since, in addition to grossly distorting the face, it exposes the entire appalling landscape of his inner mouth: his teeth, tongue, cavities both filled and unfilled, his hard and soft pallet, epiglottis, tongue and any other unnerving features his mouth may support. In addition, it may be accompanied by an annoying sound (more on this below.)

Yawners come in at least two varieties: the quiet furtive yawner and the extroverted loud-mouthed one. Those simple, shy individuals who stifle their yawns severely so that, they hope, they won’t be noticed among those present fall into the first class. They are simply embarrassed to be so noticed and will hide their yawns behind their hands in a napkin, sleeve, glove, ham sandwich, elbow, neighboring human, newspaper or other opaque object. These maneuvers rarely succeed. In fact, since yawns can be contagious, they sometimes spread to neighboring people and thus become something of a social event. And there are those yawns caused by boredom or lack of sleep. Sometimes when I read one of my written exercises to a group of innocent listeners I notice that occasional yawns begin to appear among those within listening distance. I like to attribute these reactions to a lack of sleep rather than a lack of interest and take comfort in the fact that I am helping to provide these poor fading folks with a bit of sorely needed rest. Virtue and justice, I feel, has thus been served and I take quiet pride in being their modest deliverer.

In the second class are the loud-mouth yawners. Not only do these performers not try to hide their yawns but actually take a measure of pleasure in broadcasting them with force and determination. Their yawns are accompanied by piercing moans or blistering outbursts. The moans usually take the form of a sequence of sounds forming a descending glissando beginning high in the yawner’s register and falling to the depths of his range. This performer is often totally indifferent to the sensitivities of those nearby even if they are engaged in an otherwise quiet, solemn activity or endeavor. A more benign use of the glissando yawn is done by singers as part of their warm-up exercises. This, along with other madcap vocal exercises is a deliberate action and is done to loosen the jaw muscles, aid breathing and awaken sleeping singing hormones.

The remarkable thing about yawns is that nobody seems to know why they are part of our own nature (that means, of course, that I don’t know why they are a part of our nature). They seem useless for alleviating feelings of tiredness. Nor are they needed to assist breathing since the nose and lungs are able to operate very efficiently without them. They are invasive, embarrassing, exhausting, unsettling and seem to perform no gainful purpose. But Mother Nature put them there and she’s the boss lady. I guess that they can be stifled but I have no idea how to do that. They certainly aren’t very appealing. But they offer, like a sneeze, some relief after they have accomplished their demeaning purpose. So yawn often, yawn with conviction and above all, yawn proudly.