The human head is one of nature’s most impressive wonders. It contains a few features that would be the envy of the animal kingdom if only all of non-human members of that kingdom were given to such emotions as awe and envy. The head contains, among other intriguing organs, eyes, ears, nose, and tongue, the origins of four of our five famous senses, leaving only the sense of feel to reside elsewhere in our persons. Not only does the head encourage the enjoyment of these senses but it also arranges for us to inhale, exhale, talk, shout, grin, scow, and understand complicated ideas like game shows, reality TV or politics (well, forget politics, no one understands them.) There is a lot more I would like to say about the head but for now, I wish to draw special attention to the teeth.

I am and have been favored in my personal attributes by a set of teeth that I have managed to keep, more or less intact, for many decades. They have served me well for all of this time and I do not, at this late date, want to do or say anything that would turn them against me. For the most part, I have mostly nice things to report about them.

My teeth, like those of most people can be found just inside the mouth where their owner has easy access to them. They can be used for many things. For example, they keep one’s mouth from caving in and one’s lips from collapsing into an obscene bundle. This helps the face (my face, anyway) keep its dull but fairly solid appearance. Without these useful little items a person’s face would look like it is about to be swallowed and sent into the body’s ignominious innermost caverns. But read on, there are many other reasons to celebrate the presence of teeth.

Teeth can be used to pry the caps off bottles of beer, sarsaparilla, Nehi, milk, or any other cap-sporting container. At one time, in my youth, I took frequent advantage of this practice but more recently have abandoned it in favor of bottle openers, pliers, or, in an emergency, by closing a door on the top and trying to separate it from the bottle by a mighty yank, all of this without serious loss of the contents. This last technique rarely works; even when it does, it tends to spill the bottles contents over me and anyone else who is unfortunate enough to be standing nearby.

Teeth have often been used to tear stubborn packaging materials, especially plastic or cellophane wrappings that do not yield easily to the fingers, when scissors or knives are not close at hand. Once a tear has been initiated by careful application of the teeth, the package opening can proceed more smoothly by hand. Unfortunately, modern packaging techniques have managed to foil this cunning practice.

Whistling would be much more difficult, if not impossible, without the teeth. Speaking and singing are greatly in need of teeth, at least in the pronunciation of consonants. The front teeth are especially important in any effort to play a kazoo, or mouth harp or any other wind instrument.

There are few things more pleasant than a wide toothy grin, especially when delivered through sparkling white teeth and accompanied with a rich, hearty laugh. If the teeth were missing from this presentation the effect would not be quite so pleasing.

Finally, I do not like to swallow food whole. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and interferes with my delicate gastro-intestinal experiences and brings a measure of grief to my digestive tract. That’s why I make the effort to chew it fairly well before allowing it to go down my throat. In such an activity, teeth are extremely handy. In fact, this feature is probably the most important of the humble tooth’s functions.

Although teeth have a generous supply of virtues, they have a few drawbacks as well. They can be misshapen, or discolored or, even worse, missing. Occasionally, they contain damaged areas called cavities. Missing teeth or cavities bring cause for rejoicing and celebration to dentists who enjoy the opportunity to drill them and transform them into a fine powder that falls to the bottom of their losers mouth where it can be removed by an annoying suction device placed into the mouth by the dentist’s attractive, well-groomed assistant. In addition to the necessity of periodical dental visits, teeth require other serious attention like brushing, flossing, servicing with toothpicks, hat pins or other pointed objects and sanding and sharpening. I was only kidding about the sanding and sharpening, I think. These procedures, while irritating, are necessary to bring health and comfort to whatever teeth you wish to keep.

Many people that I know have teeth. I like some of them, not just the teeth but also the people who sport them. There are some folks that I like even though I am not crazy about their teeth. And, of course, there are some I don’t like whose teeth are very pleasing to the eye. All in all, I like teeth. I would like to keep mine for a bit longer